Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
