I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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