can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
