I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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