Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
