So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
