I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
