I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
