I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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