Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
