i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
