she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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