sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
