my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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