life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
