A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize