Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
