I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
