I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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