I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
