I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
