I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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