So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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