The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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