I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
