i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
