Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
