Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i already hear my dad disowning me
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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