Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He passed out mid-signature
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
