I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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