I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
