there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
