sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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