I think my vagina is haunted
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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