The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
