I love having hate sex.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
