Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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