how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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