my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
