when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
