I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
