Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
