My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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