Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
