I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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