Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
