Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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