Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
