This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
