i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
