I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
ttyl tear gas
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
This toilet bowl is my home.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
