Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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