Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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