I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
