Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
