I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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