i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
