new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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