It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
