we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
