Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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