Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
