Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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