my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
