No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
