This girl is more easily done than said...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
