I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
